My dog is an idiot

{{{SIGH}}}
Friday morning. Pre-coffee. Post-shower. I stagger downstairs to pour coffee into my travel mug and head to work. I glance into the dog crate where Killian is lip-locked in a passionate embrace with something that looks strangely like a prescription drug bottle. It looked that way because it was...Deramaxx - the prescription pain medicine for Murphy's (my labrador) arthritis - a newly filled prescription now with only some crumbs remaining.
The day just changed flavor. Now I had to:

1. Give Killian repeated doses of 3% hydrogen peroxide by mouth until he vomited.
2. Feel no pity for him losing not only the evil stolen drugs, but his entire breakfast.
3. Send an e-mail to work telling them I'd be taking a personal day off.
4. Call the vet and see if they could work him in to the morning schedule.
5. Drive the moron dog to the vet

At the vet's office they gave him a can of dog food with activated charcoal and a laxative in it. He ate it like it was filet mignon. (bonus, because you usually have to stick a tube down their throat to force it into them). Here's a word to the wise - activated charcoal does NOT wash out of anything. I learned this lesson working in the ER of the children's hospital. If they vomit on you, you become the proud owner of a grey-stained garment. Killian did not vomit. He knew I'd throw him out the window on the way home if he did. I told him so.

Next they debated starting an IV to give him fluids and monitor him, but voted to give him a liter of saline subcutaneously. They do this in dogs and it cracks me up everytime. They stick a huge, honkin' needle under their skin and you hold it in place while they squeeze the living daylights out of the bottle of fluid until the dog appears to have fake breasts on his back. They put 500 cc (1/2 liter) on one side and 500 cc on the other side. Fake boobs on the back of a male dog. Very sexy.

We have to take him back tonight (Monday) for bloodwork to make certain his kidneys didn't sustain damage. Good thing I love this stupid animal, or I'd be saying, ".38 slugs are pretty cheap and would totally solve the problem". Oh yeah, I also had to get a new bottle of Deramaxx for Murphy.

By the way - let's just say it's never good to give your dog a laxative EVEN when they need to poop out any remaining bad drugs. Enough said.

Sigh.